Pew pew splat ARRGGGHHH#@$%#$@!!!!

I snuck away from the wife for an hour or so of EVE last night (I am becoming the ultimate filthy casual). I didn't feel I had time to scan down any MRs, but I wanted to see an imaginary spaceship explode, so I dusted off the suicide ganking alt, hopped in a shiny new Catalyst, christened her "YOU GONNA DIE BIOTCH" and popped a Retriever in an asteroid belt.

...and the aftermath

[ 2013.11.27 03:30:56 ] H3donism Bot > gf
[ 2013.11.27 03:31:40 ] Tanja Auffrie > lmao. Lick my dirty anus. gf fight? No thats called a gank get it right. Nice gank though.
[ 2013.11.27 03:33:14 ] Wolfgang Liao > suicide gank?
[ 2013.11.27 03:33:52 ] Tanja Auffrie > Indeed
[ 2013.11.27 03:33:52 ] H3donism Bot > another rebel heroically executed by the new order
[ 2013.11.27 03:34:08 ] H3donism Bot > Kill: Tanja Auffrie (Retriever)
[ 2013.11.27 03:34:29 ] Tanja Auffrie > I hope you like my veld.
[ 2013.11.27 03:34:54 ] H3donism Bot > it is delicious, thank you
[ 2013.11.27 03:40:34 ] H3donism Bot > www.minerbumping.com
[ 2013.11.27 03:41:23 ] Wolfgang Liao > long live the new order
[ 2013.11.27 03:41:45 ] Wolfgang Liao > so say we all
[ 2013.11.27 03:41:55 ] H3donism Bot > ^^
[ 2013.11.27 03:42:25 ] Tanja Auffrie > lol order old order could care less. however a fresh killright... Who isn't down to play with that.
[ 2013.11.27 03:42:55 ] H3donism Bot > ...on a perma-flashy ganker alt
[ 2013.11.27 03:43:00 ] Wolfgang Liao > keep me updated on that i am quite interested in seeing how this plays out
[ 2013.11.27 03:43:03 ] Wolfgang Liao > lol
[ 2013.11.27 03:52:42 ] Tanja Auffrie > Wolfgang Liao consider this updated. I'm waiting on H3donism Bot to play.
[ 2013.11.27 03:55:17 ] Tanja Auffrie > Your perma flash seems to of gone away... More over it looks like your new order isn't worth shit if you can't even undock.
[ 2013.11.27 03:55:49 ] H3donism Bot > your tears sustain me
[ 2013.11.27 03:56:48 ] Tanja Auffrie > I'll wait here all night if I have to darling. I'll gank a miner for the shits and giggles but I'll also take a good fight. Something it seems your not willing to do.
[ 2013.11.27 03:58:04 ] Tanja Auffrie > Lets see you get another miner tonight. Its not going to happen till after I've killed you.
[ 2013.11.27 03:58:16 ] H3donism Bot > lol
[ 2013.11.27 03:58:21 ] Tanja Auffrie > That your you jc away.
[ 2013.11.27 04:01:20 ] H3donism Bot > Tanja Auffrie I have a mining permit with your name on it
[ 2013.11.27 04:01:30 ] H3donism Bot > 10 million isk
[ 2013.11.27 04:01:36 ] Lileena Joringer > LOL
[ 2013.11.27 04:01:38 ] Tanja Auffrie > Fuck your permit, come out here and die. lol
[ 2013.11.27 04:02:57 ] Tanja Auffrie > Its a good think I do my home work as I mine. I have no issue doing homework as I wait for your sorry ass to undock.
[ 2013.11.27 04:03:45 ] H3donism Bot > i notice that you lack a basic understanding of highsec mechanics
[ 2013.11.27 04:04:22 ] Wolfgang Liao > what station is he in lol
[ 2013.11.27 04:04:28 ] H3donism Bot > if you will observe, my security status is -5.5, kind of precludes any dueling in highsec
[ 2013.11.27 04:04:35 ] H3donism Bot > however...
[ 2013.11.27 04:04:39 ] Tanja Auffrie > Not looking for a duel.
[ 2013.11.27 04:05:05 ] Tanja Auffrie > I just want to bust one of your little gank cattys.
[ 2013.11.27 04:05:09 ] H3donism Bot > perhaps you would like to fight my main, Kalim Dabo?
[ 2013.11.27 04:05:32 ] H3donism Bot > he is a respectable -1.5 and can move around in highsec at will
[ 2013.11.27 04:05:39 ] Tanja Auffrie > Nope. I just want your catty. I'll make you a deal... You can pay me 30mill ISK and I'll let you go.
[ 2013.11.27 04:06:02 ] H3donism Bot > haha, and how would you stop me from going if i chose?
[ 2013.11.27 04:06:13 ] Tanja Auffrie > Simple. I kill you.
[ 2013.11.27 04:06:20 ] Tanja Auffrie > Or you can jc out of here.
[ 2013.11.27 04:06:20 ] Soren Markus > heh, thats cute
[ 2013.11.27 04:06:31 ] H3donism Bot > have a magic bubble, perhaps?
[ 2013.11.27 04:06:56 ] H3donism Bot > to prevent me from simply warping away?
[ 2013.11.27 04:07:19 ] Tanja Auffrie > Maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe you'll die. EVE is all about the risks.
[ 2013.11.27 04:07:37 ] Soren Markus > no, eve is all about being invulnerable for a few seconds after undock :P
[ 2013.11.27 04:08:07 ] H3donism Bot > ^^=D
[ 2013.11.27 04:08:19 ] Lilth Shandel > lol If they risk the few seconds. So far they haven't.
[ 2013.11.27 04:08:34 ] Soren Markus > because hes enjoying your company
[ 2013.11.27 04:08:44 ] Soren Markus > he wont go til you stop being entertaining :)
[ 2013.11.27 04:08:50 ] H3donism Bot > well, trouble is, i don't really have anywhere i want to go atm
[ 2013.11.27 04:08:56 ] Tanja Auffrie > ^_^ I like them too. I just want to shoot at them. XD
[ 2013.11.27 04:09:19 ] Tanja Auffrie > Respect for a gank truely. But I have a nice kill right. I plan on useing it.
[ 2013.11.27 04:09:42 ] H3donism Bot > Tanja Auffrie how about a lesson for you?
[ 2013.11.27 04:09:42 ] Soren Markus > and he plans on letting you, eventually
[ 2013.11.27 04:10:04 ] Soren Markus > itd be stupid to carry it around, hes gonna let someone have it
[ 2013.11.27 04:10:08 ] H3donism Bot > about killrights, and what good they are on perma-flashy pirates
[ 2013.11.27 04:10:32 ] Soren Markus > haha oh right that too
[ 2013.11.27 04:10:37 ] H3donism Bot > news flash - anybody can shoot me anywhere already
[ 2013.11.27 04:11:14 ] Tanja Auffrie > I gues your right. Oh well. I'll just wait to shoot the pirate. XD
[ 2013.11.27 04:11:21 ] H3donism Bot > i advise you make it public for a price though, maybe somebody will be dumb enough to use it and you can recuperate ypur losses
[ 2013.11.27 04:11:46 ] SeaBoy18 > Haha,  Tanja Auffrie even has 3 other corp mates camping the other station
[ 2013.11.27 04:12:01 ] Tanja Auffrie > Indeed.
[ 2013.11.27 04:12:05 ] H3donism Bot > i noticed them in local
[ 2013.11.27 04:12:34 ] H3donism Bot > sure you don't want to fight my main? i promise to cry if i lose
[ 2013.11.27 04:13:08 ] Tanja Auffrie > Its not about making you cry. You just gave me something to do for the night.
[ 2013.11.27 04:13:18 ] H3donism Bot > oh ok
[ 2013.11.27 04:13:53 ] H3donism Bot > well, sorry to dissappoint then, got to go service the wife, see you another time, perhaps
[ 2013.11.27 04:14:03 ] H3donism Bot > and remember...
[ 2013.11.27 04:14:07 ] Tanja Auffrie > I'll be waiting. ^_^
[ 2013.11.27 04:14:12 ] Kasey Elle > oh, wife aggro calls....
[ 2013.11.27 04:14:12 ] H3donism Bot > www.minerbumping.com

Classic EVE Videos

I've been to busy over the last few days (and likely will be for the next couple days) to actually log in and attempt to murder any mission runners. So sad...

But anyway, I've been enjoying some classic videos from the good old days of EVE during my lunch breaks at work, and I figured I would share a few of them with you.

The Dominix - A Documentary
Made way back in 2006 by Ebedar. This is probably the greatest EVE video ever made. I wasn't able to find this one anywhere on the Youtubes, so I uploaded it myself as a service to the community. Pull up a chair, smoke a doobie, do whatever you need to do, and enjoy.

New Order of Highsec: A Journey Begins
Ok, this one is pretty new, but I know an instant classic when I find it. You can find this and other great videos at www.minerbumping.com

Karma - A Story of Revenge
Sorry, the quality isn't perfect, but enjoy this gripping story from 2007. In those days people who got scammed in Jita occasionally chose not to whine-post on the forums, but rather to take revenge on the scammers.

Glorious Martyrdom of Armageddon in Kiskoken
Watch as fmercury annihilates a mining fleet with a smartbombing Armageddon, dropping to -10 sec status in a matter of seconds. Listen to the voices of his victims on Teamspeak. Ah, the good old days. This one was made in 2009.

Permaband - HTFU
Who can forget this great video from 2009. Let this serve to remind all of us that CCP used to be cool.

Feed me more videos!
Surely I haven't found all the greatest hits yet. Share your links with me. Just remember the basic principles of what makes a great EVE video - first, it should not just be a recording of a PvP encounter (these are usually fun to watch if you were there, but boring otherwise), second - it should not be propaganda for some alliance I don't give a shit about (unless it is clever/funny enough to be appreciated anyway), and third, no tutorials (good if you are trying to learn something specific, boring otherwise).

Have a glorious day and Happy Thanksgiving!

Ninja Blog - Smartbombs in Highsec, the Foolish Bears Who Use Them, and the Inevitable Result

My ninja education is ongoing. The last few days have been pretty eventful, despite having only a few limited and sporadic hours to actually get out in space. I am still enjoying an encouraging ratio of carebears who are foolish enough to shoot. I'm not keeping count, but it has to be near 50%, which is unlike anything I can remember from the old days pre-Crimewatch. Back then it was probably only somewhere around 4-5%. So either the carebears have gotten stupider, or I have gotten better at making them want to kill me. Or both.

Inconclusive Engagements
I haven't taken any losses since the unfortunate Vigil incident that I reported earlier this week, but I haven't had any kills yet either. I got into two fights with mission runners. The first was a Russian fellow in a Drake, I forget his name. Having no logi backup close at hand I went into his mission in a Merlin (I am fairly confident of being able to take on a Drake in a Merlin solo). The mission bear quickly started shooting as I looted his wrecks, so I pulled into a close orbit, got point, and began blapping drones. I took down his Hammerhead 2s, but by then I was taking a fair amount of NPC aggro as well, and my MASB fit wasn't quite able to keep up. As I started to drop down into armor I decided to bail and ran away, then repped my shields in warp and came back, but he had fled.

Ninja lesson #7: Don't forget about the possibility of NPC damage.

If there is one significant way that Crimewatch made a ninja's job harder, I think it must have been that limited engagement timer at the top of the screen. Even the most obtuse carebear, after being lucky enough to survive an encounter with a ninja, can see exactly how long he needs to stay docked in order to be safe from further attacks. If you have to warp off, it seems they always run away.

My next fight was with a Dominix. I did have some logi lined up for this one, so I went in with an armor Rupture. I arrived in the pocket just as the Space-Potato was killing off the last NPCs, and he sat and watched me loot his wrecks for ten minutes before deciding to set his drones on me. I was doing ok for awhile there, as I pointed him, started shooting, and set my Hob 2s to killing off his drones. My logi was on the way, but just couldn't quite get there in time, as he was 200km off the entrance to the room. In the end I had to bail and try a quick-repair-and-turnaround again. He actually sat there and waited for a minute and a half or so in the room with my logo backup, but I just couldn't quite get back before his naturally cowardly nature took over and he ran away. I attempted to smacktalk this guy for awhile in Russian, and got a headache from all the copy/pasting.

Ninja lesson #8: Mission bears are dumb enough to shoot at cruisers, too.

Blundering my way to success
At last, I got a taste of blood. Ninja Bio Natas, a true master of provocation, scanned down a likely Golem in Inaya and got the pilot to attack him in his Crucifier. I had actually been working to line up a little side project with my alt at the time, but was listening on comms and heard when Bio said that he could use a little help with remote repairs, so I undocked in my logi boat and warped to him. Another Ninja had arrived just ahead of me and started in with the reps, incurring a suspect flag for himself.

I landed on top of the Golem in question and was just taking a half second to get my bearings when he suddenly went flashy red to me. WTF? I got on comms, "He just engaged me. I'm not a suspect. He's getting CONCORDed." It happened so fast that it took us a few minutes to figure out what had happened. As it turned out, I had landed from warp just as he was setting off a smartbomb. I got hit, he got a criminal flag, and CONCORD got the kill.

Also, I got a killright on the mission bear. And I made it publicly available for a reasonable price. I had to log off myself to pay some attention to my lovely wife, but when I got back, I noticed that my able colleagues had managed to administer justice to this criminal to the tune of another 635 million isk.

Ninja lesson #9: Carebears are dumb enough to use smartbombs in highsec.

Thirsting for blood and tears
Prepare for some kills. I've got all the ingredients for success finally in the same place and ready to go - killships, logi, and even occasional boosts. The only things that I lack are experience, humility, e-honour, common sense... well, let's not focus on all of the things that I lack. The point is, I expect that by this time next week I will have a few mission runner killmails to brag about, maybe even a stolen mission boat or two in the hangar. Stay tuned for the next episode.

Ninja Bloggery - Getting the Rust Out

After a few months away from EVE, your PvP instincts can go right to shit. My first efforts to get back into things and to master the dark arts of mission invasion have gone somewhat poorly, due to a few silly mistakes on my part. The state of EVE Ninja-ing has changed a bit since the old days of 2011 when I was a few weeks into the game, ninja salvaging in Rens on my super-secret alt to pay the bills while I was enrolled in EVE University with my main. Crimewatch ushered in some drastic changes that resulted in many skilled ninjas going off to try other things and gave rise to the myth that ninja-ing was dead. Since then I have only been a dabbler, it is only now that I have done away with any sort of leadership responsibilities that I had, and I am free to learn the craft all over again like the wide eyed perma-noob that I am.

Mistakes were made
Shortly after being accepted into Suddenly Ninjas, I rushed off and moved my covops and my old ninja-salvage Vigil over to our current base of operations. I was super-eager to get started stealing shit and antagonizing carebears, so I got right out in space and scanned one down - a Tengu in a Level 4. I warped in on him and immediately went after the closest large wreck and looted it. Sweet, I thought, pulling in the isk already. The next thing I knew, the Tengu, sitting perhaps 10km from me, was target painting me. Being that this was my first PvP encounter in almost half a year, and myself being in a space vessel without any weapons, my immediate instinct was to run away. I frantically selected the first celestial I saw on my overview and spammed the warp button. I had forgotten about my pod saver tab.

The celestial object I picked happened to be the local trade hub station and me a suspect. I was able to dock safely though, and got chatting with another Ninja in system and told him I'd been engaged by a Tengu. His reaction was like "dude, why didn't you point him?" Oh yeah, I have a point. D'oh! I quickly found myself in fleet with some friendly local folks who could provide remote repairs and undocked, hoping to get back before my limited engagement timer ran out and apply some warp disruption to the foolish carebear. However, everything had happened so fast, and without voice-comms, that my fleet mates hadn't all been informed of what was going on. Some of them happened to be sitting on the undock of the station I was in, and as soon as I undocked I found myself tackled being shot at. My protests in fleet chat weren't quick enough to stop the inevitable, and I took my first loss in SN to my own fleetmate.

Ninja lesson #1: Point the carebear if he engages you.
Ninja lesson #2: If you need to run away, don't go to a station.
Ninja lesson #3: Know your system and make bookmarks.
Ninja lesson #4: If somebody who should be friendly starts shooting at you on a station undock, dock the fuck back up before trying to explain.
Ninja lesson #5: Have more and better ships ready, fitted, and close at hand.

Kalim Dabo/Haedonism Bot = perma-noob.

Poking the Bears
Ok, back to the drawing board. I was a bit too eager to get started. I spent my very limited playtime over the next few days fitting out ships and staging them in our system, making bookmarks all over nearby space, and generally getting myself ready to start doing it the right way.

Getting back out into space, I quickly located a likely fellow finishing up in a mission pocket. I drop a bookmark and swap out my covops for a shiny new Crucifier. By the time I get back, the bear has left but all the wrecks are still there, so I set about looting them. Just as I am finishing the first room, the bear returns in a Noctis. As he salvages the pocket, I jump through an acceleration gate and begin looting the next room. (I am Kalim Dabo's alt btw, or he is mine, I'm not sure which). I open a convo.

[22:45:11] Kalim Dabo > o/

[22:45:36] Kalim Dabo > i'm stealing your loot :D

[22:45:51] lola Tazinas > wow

[22:45:53] Kalim Dabo > are you going to sit there and let me do it?

[22:46:14] lola Tazinas > faggot ..

[22:46:18] Kalim Dabo > lol

[22:46:20] Kalim Dabo > that isn

[22:46:24] Kalim Dabo > t nice

[22:46:44] Kalim Dabo > you can have the salvage though

[22:46:49] Kalim Dabo > because i like you

[22:48:05] Kalim Dabo > nothing to say?

[22:49:02] lola Tazinas > will u wait me ?

[22:49:13] lola Tazinas > i come back and rape u okay ?

[22:49:19] Kalim Dabo > please do

[22:49:34] Kalim Dabo > i'll wait

[22:50:23] Kalim Dabo > i don't think you have the cajones for that, though

At that point, I finish looting the last wreck and lola warps off. I hang around in the last room and wait, checking d-scan and hoping he'll come back with a nice juicy mission running battleship or battlecruiser with guns too large to track my little frigate. An Imperial Navy Slicer shows up on d-scan. No, I don't think I'll fight that with my slow little salvager-fit Crucifier and no logi backup, I figure, so I warp off to drop my ill-gotten loot at the station. This is meant to be piracy, after all. I'm not here to give out fair fights to every carebear that has ever threatened to rape me.

[22:52:52] Kalim Dabo > well, things to do, have a nice life :)

[22:53:02] lola Tazinas > pussy wait

[22:53:16] Kalim Dabo > sorry, important business...

[22:53:22] Kalim Dabo > another time perhaps

[22:53:29] lola Tazinas > ...

[22:54:08] lola Tazinas > but telling me I am not the one who come

[22:54:14] lola Tazinas > now u leave

[22:54:21] lola Tazinas > ok u was wrong dude

[22:54:29] Kalim Dabo > got to drop all this loot off at the station and cash it in, after all

[22:54:41] Kalim Dabo > got a good 20 mil worth from that mission

[22:55:29] lola Tazinas > lol u think it hurts me ?

[22:55:38] Kalim Dabo > not at all, of course

[22:55:55] Kalim Dabo > but it helps me

[22:56:09] lola Tazinas > ok

[22:56:29] Kalim Dabo > actually, i'd come back if you want to have at it

[22:57:10] lola Tazinas > enjoy it

[22:57:15] Kalim Dabo > just need to drop off my plunder first

[22:58:10] Kalim Dabo > here i come

[22:58:28] lola Tazinas > dude u realy think i am stupid ?

[22:58:48] Kalim Dabo > do you really want me to answer that?

[22:59:04] lola Tazinas > looool

[22:59:29] Kalim Dabo > isn't EVE fun :D

[22:59:37] lola Tazinas > hang yourself away dude

[22:59:52] Kalim Dabo > you too bro, have a glorious evening

[23:01:18] lola Tazinas > lol i amnot your bro ... and y i will have 

...And the shenanigans continue

Several more mission pockets are looted uneventfully but for the plunder and smacktalk over the next couple of days as I steal an hour or two here and there away from the wife to "play that stupid spaceship game." Then this morning I find a Drake about four rooms into a mission and go in after him with my Merlin, which is still my favorite little solo-PvP boat even after all this time. I loot a couple of wrecks and he starts shooting. I don't have logi lined up, but even so it's like, SWEET! I can totally murder a mission-running Drake solo with a Merlin. 

So I lock him, orbit at 500m with my AB, and get point, but quickly start to take drone damage, as I expected I would. I look at my overview for the drones so that I can blow them up, and... I can't find them. I cycle through my tabs, but no drones are to be seen. I look around in space, but can't find them quick enough to lock them. Pretty quickly I realize that if I can't shoot the drones fast, this isn't going to work, so I bail and run off, fix my overview during warp, then come back. Unfortunately, by the time I made it back through the 4 acceleration gates to where he had been he had gotten smart and docked up.

That one did come back after his timer was up with a Raven, but he wouldn't shoot me again despite my best efforts to taunt him. There was a bit of smack talk exchanged, but he was Russian and the language barrier meant we communicated primarily with smiley and frowny emoticons (neither of us being proficient with Google translate on the fly). While this was amusing for me, I don't think you lot would be entertained by it.

Ninja lesson #6: Get your overview straightened out.

Gratuitous spaceship porn

My people, I bring you the Good News

Carebears still shoot at ninjas. I looted 6 missions during the past week since I joined Suddenly Ninjas. Three of the bears attempted to engage me. While I wasn't able to kill any of them or steal their spaceships, mainly because I suck terribly at playing EVE, nonetheless that is a shocking and highly encouraging ratio. It is only a matter of time, I figure, before the killmails and ransoms start rolling my way.

In the meantime, my colleagues have had more success than I. Here are a few samples from the Suddenly Ninjas killboard this week. Enjoy, and have a glorious evening.

Legion - 400 million isk
Navy Raven - 1.07 billion isk
Navy Scorpion - 1.88 billion isk
Gila - 200 million isk
Pod - 400 million isk

Suddenly Ninjas!

My loyal fans haven't seen much of me lately. My attempts to guide the bears gently to the Code last spring left me feeling empty and frustrated. Despite many hundreds of hours of dedicated service, I was unable to get through to even a single one of this hard-hearted and ungrateful lot, and was forced to destroy all of their imaginary space vessels and purge them from my corporation. The experience left me so disillusioned with EVE and its community that I ragequit for several months. During my time away I took lots of long bike rides, walks on the beach, so forth and so on, seeking some spiritual clarity and inner peace. After much reflection, I have come to the conclusion that the only right thing to do would be to return to EVE and do my utmost to harvest carebear tears and teach them the finer points of the game through the application of lots of good old fashioned tough ninja love.

To this end, I resubbed all of my accounts and went to the old masters of mission invasion, the venerable sages of tear-harvesting, the corporation Suddenly Ninjas, and asked them to take me in among them and teach me their wisdom. Little did I know, during the last few months while I was away, this historic corporation had been undergoing a resurgence, rebuilding their numbers and striking fear into the hearts of mission runners throughout high security space. Several of the finest former members of Revolutionary Front had even joined them, so it feels a bit like coming home after a long journey.

Many of you may remember one of my early articles, The Dark Arts: The Way of the Space Ninja, where I expounded upon the basic techniques of ninja salvaging and ninja looting for new players. In that article I mentioned that the true ninja's art is finding clever ways to murder or even steal the mission runner's space boats. My next few articles you can expect to see in the coming weeks will cover my efforts to master that most excellent craft.

But wait, Bot, I heard that the ninja way was dead...
You heard wrong. Mission invasion is alive and well in EVE despite a long succession of nerfs over the course of several years. The true internet space ninja knows that he must adapt to the changing game, that he must stay one step ahead of the carebears. The bears not being very smart, that part is actually pretty easy. A quick review of the TEARS alliance killboard will reveal that moronic MRs are still losing pricey ships doing foolish things, and my yesterday afternoon in Dodixie was enough to convince me that the isk and the tears are flowing more freely than ever before. I look forward to sharing my adventures with you in the weeks to come. I'll leave you with this killmail from today that was just linked to me in corp chat:

Always pay your ransoms, gentlemen ;)